Discovery

It is NOT About YOU. Understanding Your Partner’s Affair

Infidelity is devastating. When you have been betrayed by your partner, it is hard to come up with the words to describe how you feel. It touches you to your very core. It changes your perspective on who you are, your life, and who your partner is.

Sure, there were problems in the marriage, but YOU did not go out and find another to seek solace in so why did they?  You start to take it personally and lose the ability to see logic, you feel like less than a woman and you wonder why the affair partner was worth throwing it all away for. Why weren’t you enough for them to fight for, why did they choose another and call it love?

Because they are broken inside, that is why. It has nothing to do with you. Yes, there were problems but again, YOU did not cheat. Problems in a marriage are normal and can be worked out; even if they cannot, cheating is not the answer, and those problems are not the excuse.

Cheating is a choice and a weak one, it is about running from your problems, hiding what seems to be the comfort of another. And sure, the other seems better at the time, they don’t nag your partner to pick up their clothes off the floor, and they don’t have to deal with the daily life with your partner.

You need to remind yourself that the person who is cheating is in a stage called limerence. Limerence is like the feeling you get when you first start a relationship, it is fun, it is flirty, and it is not real life. Realize that your partner is on their best behavior with the AP, they are not behaving the same way that they do at home.

Are they telling the AP lies, sure they are, even if the AP knows they are married, they are telling a tale that paints a dark picture of you to justify their choice. And the AP buys it all, because they too, are broken.

WHAT AN AFFAIR IS:

Two broken people who find each other add in some low morals and poor choices.  Combine this with Impulsive behavior and weakness, the desire to shirk responsibility and just have fun. It is a recipe for limerence and long-term disaster. It is not love, it is a fantasy, an escape from reality. And it rarely works out.

Studies show the stats for an affair turning into a long-term relationship are lower than the married couple staying or getting back together. Makes sense as an affair is created out of deception and nothing good is built on lies and sneaking around. Sure, some people try to make it work to legitimize the relationship and ease their shame but since it is not a relationship built on trust, it can be impossible for them to fully trust each other.

Often it is something that is going on with your partner that causes them to make the wrong choice, inner child issues that are unhealed, addictions, and self-esteem issues. Again, marriage issues can come into play but never are they the main cause of an affair, remember it is a choice and a weak one made by someone who is running from their problems or feeling overly entitled to do what they choose not what is best for everyone involved.

Remember that when you are feeling down and less than a woman due to your partner’s affair, they always downgrade to someone easy, someone with low morals willing to cheat with them. If their affair partner is aware of the marriage or is married themselves, they know and they are just as broken and just as to blame for the damage an affair will cause.

Focus on yourself and what you want for YOUR life, let them fall on their sword and you decide what is best for your life. Do you want to stay and try to make it work, it can, both parties must want it and both must work hard to achieve it, but it can be done. Or if you want to leave and start again, you can, it is your choice, just remember what they did TO you, not because of you.

If you need an ear to listen or some help finding clarity, reach out, I am here to help you.

With YOUR Success in Mind,
NOMI


POETRY CAN HELP YOU HEAL

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