Does the affair partner carry any of the weight of the affair or is blame solely placed on the spouse?
This question can be answered in many ways, and it appears that the way we answer this question depends on personal experience.
If your spouse lied to their affair partner, they did not know their “boyfriend” was married but once they found out about the marriage, they immediately ended the affair, then it is best to give the AP a pass. They were victims too, they found out the truth and they did the right thing. Perhaps, they were the ones who disclosed information to the betrayed but in the long run they were not willingly participating in an affair.
If the AP was lied to, finds out and continues to see the married lover, then the story changes. In that case it is only fair that a portion of the responsibility be viewed as theirs but still, tread lightly on passing blame. It is important to keep in mind that there is a strong chance that they have been groomed and are now trauma bound to your spouse. It’s possible that it may be a little harder for them to break away than they would like. It does not excuse the fact that they are now knowingly involved in an affair and hurting their lover’s spouse, but it does give reason to why they continued the affair. Yes, to the betrayed, it hurts just the same and that does not make it excusable, but facts are facts.
If your spouse’s affair partner is knowingly participating in the destruction of your marriage, it is the opinion of many that they do hold blame in the affair. They are participating in something that they know is wrong, they are so broken, and their inner child is reliving something from their past or they just have low morals. Bottom line, they know, and they do it anyway. They hold blame.
The argument against, is that the affair partner owes the spouse nothing, as they did not commit to them, most of the time, they do not even know the spouse. The cheating partner is the one who made the choice to break the bonds of marriage, 95% of the fault belongs to them. But the AP is knowingly participating in something that is deceitful and that is wrong. Karama typically holds accountability for those actions too.
As Women (or men) we need to do better and hold ourselves to a higher standard and set boundaries to not get involved with a married person.
A lot of affair partners tend to think that they are different or better than the spouse, perhaps they are told stories about how the spouse is a witch or withholds sex in the marriage. They are sure that the cheater will never cheat on them, perhaps they think it is real love. Chances are it is not, it’s limerence.
Limerence is a fantasy feeling that makes two people who are in an affair feel like they have found the love of their life and are justified in having the affair. But does real love hide in a hotel room? Does real love still go home to their spouse? No, it does not.
Affairs are typically a result of a person being broken inside with inner child issues that have never healed, probably never been dealt with at all. The cheater may not even be aware of them, but they are one of the biggest causes of affairs.
There are many stats on affairs, do some research and you will see that it is never worth giving up your self-worth to gain the attention of a married person. If you are or find yourself involved with someone else’s spouse, please seek therapy, and discover what it is that drives you to make self-sabotaging choices for your life.
Yes, self-sabotaging, that is what an affair is. The person sneaking around on their spouse must live a life of lies and secrets. At first, it is fun, and it makes them feel like they are special, loved, and important but time wears on this and when the limerence fades, which it always does, things begin to look different and not so rosy.
The fact is that the relationship between the cheater and the affair partner started out of deception and that will affect trust between the two. And if their kids are involved and they do not accept the circumstances, the broken ties between the betrayer and children can affect the already fragile relationship.
In the end, having an affair with a married person leads to heartache and a long rocky road. Studies show that only 2% of those relationships make it.
So please ladies and gentlemen, if you find your new love interest is married, let them go ASAP. Run, and run fast, you don’t need that mess.
And if you are married and straying, please stop. Get help, get a divorce, seek counseling, do whatever you have to do to stop living a life of deception.
The focus tends to be on who is to blame, which is something the betrayed spouse goes through to heal but really, blame isn’t important, realization that having an affair is a sign of a deeper problem in the person and it must be healed with the help of licensed professionals, time and a lot of self-work.
It’s a hard road to travel but with some determination and intention, no problem. You got this.
With YOUR Success in Mind,